Reports of terror activities aimed directly at fish are pouring into the Underground, and – despite the obvious risk to ourselves – we’re forging ahead and reporting them.
This chilling account (via Alert Underground Reader and Insurgency Expert Sully) offers a firsthand report from a Yellowfin Tuna on the well-known Onion news site.
Just these few small excerpts should dispel any doubts you might have about a pervasive, all-encompassing terror war on fish:
I’ve been swimming for quite some time now, and I gotta tell you, I’ve seen a lot of shit in my day. I’ve seen orcas eat defenseless cod, jellyfish prey on plankton, and powerless krill get devoured by whales 20,000 times their size. Sometimes it seems like an unfair world, but in the end, it makes sense. There’s a natural order to things. There’s balance. So you can imagine how shocked and disturbed I was last week when I bit into what I thought was a nice, succulent squid only to have half my mouth ripped off by a giant fucking metal hook.
Yeah, that’s right. At this time last Thursday, I had a 5-inch barbed hook going directly through my face and pectoral fin. Straight fucking through—no joke. I’m not making this up. This actually happened to me.
So, obviously, that leaves just one question: How batshit insane do you have to be to put a hook inside a squid and then place that squid in an area where there are tons of yellowfin tuna who might try and bite it? I could have been killed, for Christ’s sake! My mouth still feels like it’s on fire, and I’m scared as shit to go after any squid again.
Later in the article, the Yellowfin in question draws some unwelcome conclusions, including:
But here’s the thing that really pisses me off: I think it was all premeditated. Not just some act of stupidity or ignorance. Premeditated. Planned in advance.
I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out. The placement of the squid was perfect. It was as if whatever whack job did this somehow understood that yellowfin tuna like swimming in the mid-afternoon and prefer low-lit environments. And by putting the hook above the squid’s siphon and mantle and into its fins, this crazy fuck actually made it look like the squid was swimming freely, unattached to anything at all.
Once again we report the news others are afraid to publish.
See you on the river, Tom Chandler.
